These are, of course, guaranteed* to be bestselling mega hits that will spawn movies and tee shirts. And it’s meant to be a bit of parody of some of the trends and popular ideas shown in YA. It’s supposed to be funny. Call it affectionate snark. And hey, if you’re a book publisher or an agent, and any of these catches your eye as something you want to sell, I am not above writing them seriously and cashing the check. Really**. No, really. E-mail me.
*Assuming you put the money into marketing and generating buzz.
**I have no shame. Ask my friends.
She loves to read. Her favorite book is.. uh... Romeo and Juliet. Because that's not cliched. Image: nuchylee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Title: Denial – A Mummy Love Story
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Pitch: Let’s face it, vampires are everywhere. Heck, even zombies are getting their own romance novels now. But where are the mummies? No where, yet, which is why Denial will be a hit!
Synopsis: Henry is a mummy, an ancient and immortal creature, who was too beautiful for his time. He was wrapped up and put into a tomb to wait until the day his prophecy would come true and he would be a great, gorgeous king. As he slept, he was toured around the world in museums, until a curator accidentally awoke him one night. After hearing his story, the curator swept him away to the United States, to the dry air of Phoenix, Arizona, where she became his forged legal guardian in an attempt to let him live a normal life.
Forever a teenager, Henry goes to high school posing as a burn victim, but the bandages don’t cover up his gorgeous golden eyes. There, he meets Grace Papillion, a girl who is average and plain in every way. She catches Henry’s attention by being so nice to him. Henry wants to be with her. To remove his bandages and show the world what a beautiful immortal thing he is. But her father is an archeologist and he has to resist the urge to curse her and her family for digging up the remains of the dead.
Cover Suggestion: A flower petal with a scarab crawling on it. Black base. Pretty swirly font.
Will be a hit with: fans of Twilight and their moms.
(Props where they’re due: this one was a group concept with a few coworkers, on a very slow day. Thanks to Hannah, Jon, and Liam for fleshing out this insanity.)
Apparently in this world, the nurses and doctors are happy knowing they didn't choose. Image: nuchylee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Title: Different (alternative tiles: “Special” “Immune” “The Choice”)
Genre: Dystopian Future
Pitch: Dystopias are the new vampires, am I right?
Synopsis: Hundreds of years in the future, the nation Beautopia, everyone is happy because they get to choose their own life and everything works out in the best interests of The Republic. At the age of 17, everyone is brought into the “Future Success Hall” for “Life Choices Day.” In theory, it’s a day where options will be explained and then each person will make a series of choices: who they will marry, where they will live, what career they’ll embark on, and how many children (if any) they will have.
In actuality, it’s a lab that tests their DNA, genetics, and weighs that against their potential, which is derived from academic performance and extracurricular activities. Then each person is given a shot of a drug meant to make them forget the tests and given a list that outlines their futures. They read this list into a camera, smiling on the drug, saying, “I choose to marry [assigned spouse], I choose to work in [assigned field], I want to live in [assigned city] and have [assigned number] children.” But our protagonist, Amanda, is immune to the drug. Panicked, she pretends not to be and reads the list but none of it is what she wants! And if she’s immune, there must be other people out there who are unhappy and pretending.
Should Amanda go along with The Republic and live the life they want her to have? Or should she find a way to get the life she wants, a life of her own choice?
Suggested Cover: Something with glass breaking, maybe a broken syringe with a girl in the background running away.
Will Be a Hit With: Fans of Matched, Divergent, Delirium, Uglies, etc. Fans of The Hunger Games will find it lackluster and want more bows and arrows.
No one can know my perfect skin isn't from Neutrogena! Image: nuchylee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Title: Glitter Blood (alternatively, “Horns,” “Unicorn Blood,” “Sparkle Veins”)
Genre: Normal High School Girl is actually special magical creature, ie, Paranormal Romance
Pitch: Everyone wants to find out they’re special. And part of a nearly extinct race. Faeries have been done, but what about unicorns? Am I right?
Synopsis: Larissa Stephens was adopted as an infant. Her mother, Jena, is an artist who paints fantastical paintings and her father, John, is history teacher at the local university. Larissa loves her parents but has always felt a little weird. She has perfect skin, she heals quickly when injured, and more, she can heal people with her touch, a power she’s kept hidden from everyone but her parents.
At the age of 15, a young man named Coren arrives at her door. He’s handsome with a mane of thick white hair and stunning blue eyes. And he bows and calls Larissa “princess.” It turns out, Larissa is the last unicorn princess, the remaining royalty of a hunted and dying race. She was sent away as a baby to keep her safe, but now unicorn hunters have discovered she’s been sent to live with humans, and they’re after her healing blood. Besides, it’s time for her to take the throne and lead her people to a promised land in a corner of the Faerie World. But Larissa doesn’t want to leave her mortal parents or her mortal life. And she’s not sure about her feelings for Coren, nor her feelings for classmate and best friend Jake.
Suggested Cover: Something pretty, with a sparkle font.
Will be a hit with: People who like stories about girls finding out they’re magical, like Wings, and fans of paranormal love triangles.
Actually, you know what, these last two are pretty awesome. Any takers? I’ll just be waiting by my inbox for offers from agents and publishers.